Salve

Oh, hi. Didn't see you there. Probably because I haven't been looking at this blog in a gazillion years. Didn't I have some goal that said I would write something each week? Um, major fail. But I'm starting to realize the thing about failure is that it's not a once and done thing... you can keep doing it over and over again. And maybe, eventually, one of those times, it won't be fail. So it looks like I'll try again. Once-a-week, here I come!

I don't think I'm living up to my potential. I know that sounds sort of junior high guidance counselor -- I did have a dream last night that I was sent back to junior high, and showed up late and got in all sorts of trouble, but they didn't know what to do with me because I just totally didn't care, because I was already grown up -- but I think it might be true. Actually, it's not that I'm not living up to my potential... I seem to be living up well to everything in front of me. I think I'm avoiding my potential. 

For example, I recently had a successful workshop for a play I've been working on forever. I came out of it with tons of helpful advice. And yet... is there a fire under my butt to work on it and get it done? No. Wait --- that's not true. There is a fire... everyday I'm like, "Man, I should really work on those script changes," and then I find something else to do. The fire is there, but apparently my butt doesn't mind getting all charred and blistered. Eww, right? Perhaps I should do something about that.

I realized it most profoundly at work. I love my job, and I get to do lots of really interesting things. One task is working with video editing software to create short training videos. I've been involved in the process from Day 1, previously writing and editing scripts for other people to produce the videos. Now I'm working on all areas. This ought to fill me with joy: it's a fantastic thing to list on my resume, and is fun to do. And yet for some reason, getting me to work on the task requires nothing short of fingernail pulling. I just can't bring myself to do it. Same thing with submitting my monthly invoice. Hello, dumbass! Take 20 tedious minutes to do this paperwork, and people will send you thousands of dollars!!! Nope, I wait til the last minute, needing several prompts from my boss to get it done. Is that normal?

Maybe it is, but I don't think it's helpful. Meanwhile, I have no trouble instantly catering to the demands of the nice-but-crazy people I work with. "Please help me do this simple technical task that I should already know how to do!" It's like there's someone else inside me, diverting the good stuff so the crappy stuff can get through. Some turned-around, potential-blocking bouncer that has no problem with burned butts. I think that guy's getting fired.