Pricked

I've started getting acupuncture treatments. It's primarily for my TMJ, but it does address other conditions (like back pain and hopefully PMS). I was nervous, at first, not so much about the needles, but about adding yet another "thing" into my life. Something else to schedule, something else to pay for. Something else to react to.

The needles don't hurt. They're tiny, and don't feel like needles at all. When they're inserted, occasionally there is a dull throb, like sticking your finger on a bruise. This is where my energy is stagnant, I am told. I was a little freaked out, at first, at the idea of needles in my face, but if you have jaw problems, that's where they have to go. As long as you lie very still, there's nothing freaky about it.

And that's part of the treatment: lying still. She puts the needles in, and then leaves me to rest for about 10-15 minutes. Right there, a challenge: lie still. No, I need to do something. I need to somehow be distracted. Please don't leave me here alone with myself. But she does. Sometimes there is music, which is nice. Also, she puts a heat lamp on my feet, so they don't get too cold. That is nice too.

During my first session, I was overcome by a sense of bliss. So much so that I started to cry. Is this how it's possible to feel? Am I allowed to have this? I felt so calm, so centered. After the treatment, I told her how great I felt. She was pleased -- the acupuncture was working. Her only indications for me for the rest of the day were to avoid vigorous exercise and negativity. Avoid negativity? Have you met me? I came home after my session and went to work. Negativity was in my inbox. Sigh. 

The bliss wore off after a few hours, though the overall calm did persist for the next day or two. And then my stepfather died and everything changed irreparably and forever.

My second treatment was in early January. I was really looking forward to it; I was having some trouble getting my groove back, and thought this would be balancing. The needles went in, and I was left to rest. This time, there was no bliss. Instead, behind my closed eyes, I could see a dancing yellow glow. I began to call this the "yellow sun" and I watched it jiggle and twitch. It was very beautiful, and it made me realize how wonderful life is, and how hard I sometimes make it. I thought about the negative things I hold on to, and I tried to let them go. Every time I named one and released it, the sun would surge brightly. It felt wonderful.

Soon, my acupuncturist came in to continue my treatment. She includes in her practice this NAET stuff, and it's about releasing your body's hold on allergies and other "imbalances." I don't really understand it, but it doesn't hurt and I am highly susceptible to New Agey stuff (uh, see incident with "yellow sun" above). Because I was going to be going out of town that day, she didn't focus the treatment on a particular imbalance, but instead applied the "Global Success Formula." Afterwards, I was told to visualize success in my life and I admitted that I was a playwright and she encouraged me to visualize success in that area. And then she left me alone again to rest.

Maybe I broke it. I don't know. I did visualize. I thought about all these great playwright things, about accomplishments and achievements and goals. I repeated positive messages and gave myself affirmations about my talents. But I have never felt like I was a very good visualizer, and it felt... weird. Also, the yellow sun did not come back for this exercise. Still, I did my best. Before I left, my acupuncturist told me to keep an eye out for good things to come! I felt hopeful. Global success sounded great.

After about a week, I could not perceive any sort of good things. The weather was cold and grey, Cabana Boy and I got sick, and I was having a terrible time at work. This made me feel agitated and nervous. Where were the good things? But of course, I was too embarrassed to admit what was bothering me. "Gee, my acupuncturist did this hippie-dippie treatment and I'm supposed be receiving success, but nothing has come." It sounded ridiculous and absurd, even to me.

More weeks have passed, and still no good has come. I wonder if I visualized wrong, if I sounded too greedy. A deep dark fear emerged: what if I am on the wrong path? If I'm supposed to be something else entirely, and I'm fighting against nature and not going with the flow? I am giving this too much energy, I think. It is easier to look for mystical explanations than to deal with reality: sometimes life is just hard. Or maybe it's nothing real, and it's just my raging PMS returning with a vengeance, after a one month reprieve.

I even hope that this is the lesson I am supposed to learn... let go, and there will be good things. My global success will be determined my by ability to stop controlling things. Because if not, I don't want to have to admit that the acupuncture might not be working. At least my back doesn't hurt.