Shatter

I am tall and strong. Sturdy, like a warrior princess. But that seems to be only my appearance, not an actual truth. I think it's possible that I'm made of delicate china, my fragile milk-white frame ready to crumble at the lightest blow.

Evidence:

• My lower back is a torn-up battlefield. An extra vertebrae, bulging discs, muscle spasms, inflamed bursa... a wasteland of pain and crunchy tissue. This is not new; I've learned to make accommodations, and with the right stretching routine, the pain is relieved. Still, the degeneration started about 30 years too early, and that makes me uneasy and difficult to insure.

• On Sunday, I sprained my ankle. This is not my first sprained ankle. Oh no, this same ankle and I have done this dance many times before. The last serious sprain was in college, and I couldn't afford the physical therapy, so it healed sort of lumpy. But it healed nonetheless. In the years since, I've turned it here and there, and it always bounces back. It's healing again (as I write this, I am standing up), though I don't recall ever seeing it so bruised as it is. There was no adventure to cause my injury. I tripped, fell. I'm hoping R.I.C.E., Advil, and arnica will do the trick. I don't think it's broken, but if you told me I had some pretty pissed off connective tissue, I wouldn't be surprised. I do not like sitting still, and while I've enjoyed watching TV while I work (because I've had to sit on the sofa to elevate), I am frustrated that I am not taking 10,000 steps a day, nor sweating through TurboKick. I want it to be better already.

• I have this pesky little hand numbness thing that happens when I lie down. I was willing to ignore it, until it decided to stick around for months and months. Since that's not a good sign, I went to the doctor. My MRI showed that I have several herniated discs in my neck. I had no idea: I have no neck pain, no symptoms at all (except, maybe, hand numbness? Still too soon to know for sure). But what it does mean is that the pain could start at any time -- one false move, and my oozing disc goo could slide around some nerves. Then my neck would start to feel like my lower back, and I'd have to start eating Advil like candy.

So, like, now I am scared to move. What if I bounce too hard and rupture more discs? There are only 23 in your spine, and I'm out 5, and still not old enough to be President. Can you imagine what things could be like when I'm -- gasp -- 50? Am I going to be a cripple? Before all this, I was starting a nice running routine. I wasn't a particularly good runner, but it was pleasant. I stopped because I had pain in my hip. Crap, is that the next joint to go? I wake up with stiff, clawed fingers, sometimes unable to open lids until after I've had my coffee. What's next? 

As much as I hate sitting still, I'm afraid to do anything else. I did not realize I could break so easily.