Those Sagacious Spice Girls...

So tell me what you want, what you really really want, / I'll tell you what Iwant, what I really really want, / So tell me what you want...


I actually really like this song. It's upbeat, catchy, danceable, little hint of girl power. It came out at a time in my life when we were young and silly, and doing fun things. I feel the same way about Hanson's MMMBop. 

The crux of this actually comes from my mother, who is hoping to take on a second job. Partially because she's on furlough and needs the money, partially because she needs human interaction over the holidays. "I hope I'll have the energy to do this, but I guess we find the energy to do the things we want to do." Incidentally, she was telling me this as I was driving the thirty miles home from drummy at 9pm on a Sunday night.

BAM! Insight much?

It's true. If you want to do something, you'll do it. If there's any doubt, any nagging tug, it doesn't. I want to learn taiko, so I drive an hour round trip twice a week. I want to go to acupuncture, so I will get myself up for my 9:30am appointments. I want to go on vacation, so I will save my money and do the research.

But also, ick. Does that make the opposite true? I did not go to the 8:30am Latin Impact class at the gym this morning, even though I want to brush up my salsa skills before our trip. I must not have wanted it that badly -- is that a fair thing to say? I did not write anything yesterday: I must not want to be a writer very badly, eh?

I don't know. It feels mean to say that about myself, that I'm deliberately sabotaging my good intentions. However, it very much might be true. But I also feel like I got off the rails a little bit over the weekend, and am now trying to catch up. Friday night, I was up extremely late, drinking German wine and planning for Puerto Rico. Saturday morning, I lost several productive hours due to computer malfunctions. Sunday, I had to recover from Saturday's late night (it was like an exhaustion piggy-back ride), go to Costco and go grocery shopping, head down to drummy, and generally feel like I was coming down with a cold. Monday, ditto. Cold-like symptoms continued all day, and I went to bed at 8:30pm.

So, this is all fine. I had a really fun weekend, and there's no crime in resting. But... resting takes time. Resting is not getting things done. Resting doesn't write plays. Nor is multi-tasking is very good for us, all the blogs say. I guess there are things that I want, but there are many things that I want. And I'm also fairly easily distracted. THAT is my great fear... that I'm not really going to be successful because I'm not focused enough or committed enough. The singularity of focus they talk about writers having... I don't have that. I don't know if it's willpower, or what, but I don't.

Or maybe I'm afraid to want. Patricia Moreno tells us during IntenSati (I totally feel cool like Amanda for being able to say that): "Desire, focus, intend, become." But we have to admit what it is we desire. I want to write plays. I can't say if I want that more than vacation, more than taiko, more than love, more than bike riding, more than Glee, more than Halloween, more than having a clean home and healthy food. But I do, I want it. Is that a start?